Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
