she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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