I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
