They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
