I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
