He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I want her autograph on my taint
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
