You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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