her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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