I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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