Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
