xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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