I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
