I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
