Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
