I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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