her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
