she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
