My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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