how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
