The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
