shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
