someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
