I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
