my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
