apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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