Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
