my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
