On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
ttyl tear gas
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
