You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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