i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
