I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
