your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
