After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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