New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
