its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
