I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My cat gives me a boner
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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