So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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