Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
