I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
