my room smells like sperm. sweet.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
