I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
