4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
