just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
