When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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