Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
