I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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