fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
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