John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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