I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
