I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
