dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
