you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
