shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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