I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize