shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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