Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
