i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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