Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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