I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize