Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
