Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
