I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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